Letter to Kevin Todd, 1983

Kevin, I love you.
In all of my life I have never felt so sure of someone and that my mate – means something new and wonderful to me. It’s like a love that I don’t have to grasp at because I fear it will run-out soon. I don’t feel the need to protect myself by being evasive – for I too, am a secretive person … very. We just go on working and loving together and with every turn of a day I become more woven into the cloth of our unity. I am also proud of you. Not just for what you’ve done mate, but also for the things that you are … caring, enthusiastic, supportive, strong and weak at the same time. I also think that you have a rare kind of beauty … that, I guess, is what drew me to you on the night that we met … I remember that you had your jersey tucked inside your jeans and you looked vaguely out of place sitting there. I was scared of sitting too close in case you were in a relationship with your friend so I pretended that it didn’t matter much to me if you wanted to dance or not. After that, when we were on the floor, I kept looking up at you, now and then, to see if you were watching somebody else … then I ventured to touch you … but only as a light clip-punch, so that I wouldn’t appear as if I was ‘coming on’ to you, even though I really did want to hold you. I remember noticing that your stomach muscles were hard. When we went and sat down, you kept supporting me when I was trying to be modest about myself and I didn’t know how to handle it. It was really disconcerting. We held hands under the table. I was afraid to go home with you. Afraid of a one-night stand and afraid of another ‘affair’ – because both leave me with a little less dignity, a little less faith, beating in my heart. So you said that it was okay for us just to sleep together. We must have walked home … I don’t remember … but I remember the next day – leaving you on Jervois-St. Mary’s bay road and sitting myself down and giving my heart a stern talking to. It didn’t listen. It’s no good being a world-wise philosopher with a heart that’s only human.

Only human … thank God for human hearts eh? At present mine runs on memories and letters and evening phone-calls … but it doesn’t grow weaker for not seeing you. I think, in fact, that it grows stronger – but it would be a Hercules-mammoth if it was with you all of the time. But tonight it is here, between the folds of a white cotton sheet, gazing out of the window – watch the clouds move across a star torn night. I wonder where you are now ……

My love – dissolved in a wish,
this night_______
Welby.________
I love you.